Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is yet another fairytale with a happy ending ,though the story in it's revised form is comical .A little girl on her way to deliver some food to her sick Grandma ,she meets a wolf and like an idiot tells the wolf exactly where to find Granny .Wolfie wastes no time in skedaddling over to Granny's where depending on if you're reading a very very tamed children's version or just a slightly tamed version locks her in the closet or eats her. Then the wolf puts on the Grandma's nightgown ,jumps into bed and pulls the covers up.Red shows up and we have very witty banter between the two before the wolf jumps up prepared to devour the girl .Of course since this is a fairy tale it will have a happy ending and it comes in the form of a woodsman who happened to be passing by . So that's the whole story you say ? Well,yes and no .That was the revised version this is the one of the versions .I know

In the original story there is a red cloak and a wolf ,but no woods-cutter. The wolf is not seen as an ordinary- howl -at -the- moon wolf he may or may not be a werewolf,that's up for debate of course. The wolf eats the Grandma and when Little Red shows up the wolf tells her to shed her clothing and toss it in the fire . The girl is not stupid,and she tricks the wolf into letting her go.

Then there's another version in which Gran and Red get eaten end of story,nighty night kids

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty the timeless tale of a curse, a slumbering princess ,and true loves kiss right. WRONG! at least not in the very original story ,oh don't get me wrong the curse and the slumbering princess are in the story ,but it's no kiss that wakes Sleeping Beauty up.Well,I'm getting ahead of my self so I'll start at the beginning . This story starts out with a party to celebrate the birth of the new princess. Six fairies have been invited to bestow gifts among the new princess (there's actually seven) however one fairy has been over looked and she is not happy so after the baby receives five gifts,she turns the parents and promptly curses the baby. The curse involves a spinning needle and death,how does one die from a needle,I don't know,but I imagined it was poison,but who knows? Of course all is not lost because as luck would have it,the youngest fairy has not bestowed her gift and even though she can't change the curse(it's a rule,I guess) she can modify it so the princess doesn't die only sleeps for a hundred years. Of course dear old Dad who apparently doesn't understand about curses has every spinning needle banned note: Sleeping Beauty does not go live in the forest with three plump,cheery fairies . So time passes and Sleeping Beauty becomes a teenager and like all teenagers ,I'm sure she has her moments of rebellion. As we all know the unavoidable will happen and lo and behold ,the princess goes exploring one day and sees a lady spinning .Naturally she's curious and wants to know what the contraption is,the lady tells her and asks if she wants to touch the needle.STOP! okay if spinning wheels were banned ,why does this lady have one and why would she ask Sleeping Beauty wants to touch the needle .Whatever . Sleeping Beauty touches the needle and falls into a deep sleep. However it's not just her the entire castle is also in a deep sleep.

So a hundred years later a prince comes and upon seeing the princess's beauty falls on her and no,he does not kiss her .He rapes her yes,I said rape sounds like an episode of Law and Order:SVU if you ask me.The princess despite being alseep has twins and it's not until her son who's hungry sucks a piece of flax from her nail does she wake up. I don't about you,but if I was in a coma and woke up and saw that I had two babies ,Id' be all "What the bloody blue blazes.". The prince who's not all of a jerk does marry the princess and takes her and the babies to live at the castle. Oh yes dear old hubby forgot to mention his mother is an ogre who likes to eat soft tender flesh and since this is a recurring theme in fairy tales she asks for the inner organs of the two babies Dawn and Day so she could eat them. Of course the Cook(huntsman,I forget) can't bring himself to kill the poor kids,so he takes them to his house and hides them.He brings back the inner organs of some animal ,then the ogress asks for the flesh of Sleeping Beauty ,The Cook(?) thinks he's lost ,there is no animal in the kingdom that will have the Queen's tender yet tough flesh,so he goes to tell her that he has to kill her.Sleeping Beauty only says that at least she'll be with her children(she's under the impression they're dead) . The ogress finds out about the Cook's lie ,so she says that the Cook,his wife,their children,the Queen and two babies are to be killed in a vat of boiling oil,however as all fairy tales go,there has to be a happy ending(unless it's a HC Anderson fairy tale) and as luck would have it.The king shows up and puts a stop to the execution and I think banishes his mother or kills her either way,she's out of the picture and that my friends is the story of Sleeping Beauty a story of rape,curses and cannibalism. Next on the list Little Red Riding Hood

Snow White

Fairy tales have been around since the dawn of time .Some are famous,some are not so well known and some are just weird. The first fairy tale I will talk about is Snow White . You think you know the story of Snow White,you don't know the half of it. Our story starts out with a queen sitting at her window and sewing expressing her desire to have a child,but not just any child oh no,this queen has specifications in mind. A child with "Hair as black as night,lips as red as blood and face as pale as snow". The queen gets her wish,but then she croaks ,go figure,so the king remarries and new queen is a witch with a capital"B" so obsessed with her looks that she has a magic mirror that assures her that she is the most fair in all the land. Of course all good things do come to an end and seven years later the mirror is singing someone else's praises and who is the new fairest one in the land,yep,it's Snow White. The queen predictably is jealous,but hold on if you've only seen the movie versions of Snow White she is portrayed as a young teenager however I am talking about the story and in the story,Snow White is a seven year old kid so why is the queen jealous,who knows. Of course the queen won't take this lying down and she orders her huntsman to take the child into the woods and kill her and as proof that the little girl is indeed dead,she demands that he bring back her organs,so she could eat them (gross,I don't know about you,but I like a good bowl of cereal for breakfast or bacon and eggs). Of course the huntsman feels sorry for the little girl and can't bring himself to kill her,so he tells her to hide in the woods. Hold on,let's stop there,I have a problem with this,one she's a princess,I doubt she's ever stepped foot in the woods without an escort and two she's a little kid ,how is she supposed to survive ? Luckily for us and her,she comes across a house owned by seven dwarfs who do not have cute little names to go with their personalities the whole name thing was Walt Disney's idea.The dwarfs tell the little girl she could stay provided she clean,cook and do other chores for them.The queen thinking she is now the fairest in the land asks her mirror to tell her who is the fairest unfortunately the answer is not what she expects and she resolves to solve this problem once and for all.Leave it alone,Queenie. Her first disguise is as a peddler and despite warnings from the dwarfs to not open the door to any strangers while they are out,Snow White can't resist and opens the door. The "peddler" shows Snow White sashes of every colour and when Snow White tells her she has no money,she insists that it's a gift and perhaps she could"Tie it around the pretty little maiden" . The queen proceeds to tie the sash so tight that Snow White stops breathing and falls down senseless. Since she looks dead,the queen leaves thinking she is now the fairest in the land.(She's not) .The dwarfs come home to see their slave( I mean charge) in a dead faint . They remove the sash and again warn Snow White not to open the door to anyone. She does the very next day and this time it's poisoned combs .I really think the queen should check for a pulse before she leaves. Once again the dwarfs save the day and again warn Snow White not to open the door . This time she listens and tells the elderly apple woman that she can't open the door . Apple lady insists on giving Snow White an apple and so as not to be rude Snow White takes it,eats it and you know the rest.But do you? .Well let's continue on shall we.In the Disney version the prince battles the queen ,however,in the story the prince never even saw the queen,in the Disney version Snow White is in a field ,in the real story,she's in a tower .The prince hearing about her beauty desires to take the comatose princess back to his castle(why?). But as the servants are moving the coffin the piece of apple that was stuck in the corner of Snow White's lip falls out and she wakes up.There is no kiss involved. As for the queen,she is forced to dance in iron hot shoes until she keels over .Nice . Next up is Sleeping Beauty . Not the Disney version either